Colonel Fischer

A dwarven demigod at her finest.

Nicknames Fischer
Ender of Reigns
Fischer Norris
Gender Female
Race Dwarf
Affiliations Spearbreakers
Occupations Colonel
Kin Armok, father
Birth 127 PS

This article is about the Colonel. For the Ballpoint contractor, see Fischer.

Colonel Fischer is the former Champion of Spearbreakers. She was originally considered a child of Armok, and therefore a demigod and worthy of worship, but eventually the dwarves decided she'd passed her spirit on to Dauros. While impressive, Dauros has yet to earn the dwarves' respect in the same way Fischer did.

About FischerEdit

Little is known about Fischer's past, and everyone seems to portray a different aspect of her. Some people see her as tender-hearted, other as merciless, others as gentle out of combat, and others as enraged and violent. It's possible she's all of these, and simply has a personality disorder she decided to overcome by destroying everything she came across in point-two seconds flat without ever lifting a finger. Because she could.

No matter how you interpret her personality, her physical features are obvious. She has a pale face, and a beard that grows out, though she trims it periodically. She's almost always in her gear, but her hair color is thought to be either blonde or brunette. Or possibly red. And, there's a small chance it might be black. Again, no one really knows. Her sexual orientation is unknown because she's never come across anyone fitting. It is generally assumed that she would settle for nothing less than the finest male specimen dwarfkind had to offer. As to her gender, due to her occasional beard, deep, gruff voice and muscled appearance, she's frequently mistaken for a male herself.


Fischer served alongside Splint, Stova, The Master and Talvi in the Vampiric Wars. She wound up racking up a kill count far greater than any of theirs, even put together, employing her pike with terrifying efficiency. The king of the mountainhome took note of this, and sent her along with Splint's squad to found Spearbreakers. She was originally intended to serve as a combat instructor, and nothing more, but ended with becoming Champion of the fortress.

Accomplishments at SpearbreakersEdit

Insert tons of stuff here.

For a gory version, scroll down to Kill List.

Sleeping SicknessEdit

Fischer's only real obstacle to being considered absolutely invulnerable was when she was dealt a second blast of sleeping dust by the Forgotten Beast Lomoth. As she had barely recovered from the previous affliction caused by another monster from the depths, the sickness took hold due to her somewhat weaker immune system and she was rendered near catatonic for two days and was only ever conscious for brief spurts at a time afterwards, often only long enough to receive food and water, even with the aid of a cocktail of stimulants made by Mr Frog.

However, in the late spring of 211 PS, she along with Draignean, recovered for unknown reasons. Thier recovery baffled the parasol scientitsts that were on site to test the record spawn cure, as did it confuse the general populous. So, believe Armok forced the sickness from her, while others simply think they're immune systems finally got to the point that it could flush out the sleeping toxin.


Due to Fischer's unprecedented badassery in the fortress and surviving everything from forgotten beasts and falling into a pond in full gear and managing to avoid death (unlike some other less fortunate dwarves,) to half a spawn army clawing and biting her in the face and having no ill effects besides her bening grumpy froma headache afterwards, she quickly rose to be the subject of many a Chuck Norris style joke, essentially becoming a meme within the thread and its following.

Kill ListEdit

Fischer's kill list is considered noteworthy to most historians. Her kills before arriving at Spearbreakers are unaccounted for.

  • Year 203, Draignean's Reign
    • Three mountain barbarians
    • Three goblins
    • The Master
    • Four Holistic Spawn
  • Year 204, Sus's Reign
    • Eleven goblins
    • Three Holistic Spawn. It is worth noting that the third Spawn was killed by Fischer throwing it against a wall.
  • Year 205, Mitchewawa's Reign
  • Year 206, Paintbrushturkey's Reign
    • Fischer named her pike "Splashslowed"
    • 14 zombie goblins
  • Year 207, Splint's 2nd Reign
    • Four zombie humans
    • Two human necromancers
    • Nine goblins
    • A minotaur
    • One mountain barbarian
    • Two holistic spawn
  • Year 208, Lord Reudh's Reign
    • Nine goblins
    • Thirteen holistic spawn
  • Year 209, Tomio's Reign
    • Lomoth, the forgotten beast

For a total of 89 confirmed, important kills. Most zombie kills are not considered notable. These are just one shy of 200 (for now), making her toil to at least 388 kills.